Some of my friends still don’t know what they’re doing or where they going. I do, more or less, it’s all a matter of executing the plan with me. And it’s cool to be undecided still…but these people don’t even have an interim plan for when they’re deciding what they want to do. If I hear “I’m going home…” one more time….I do genuinely hope the find their way. But I think the general discontentedness with regard to jobs is something we’re not talking about. But there are other things nobody wants to entertain, probably because they’re too sad and depressing…but you know what, sometimes life is sad and depressing. The other day I had dinner with a friend of mine, and it was great. Afterwards, I asked him if every time he saw me until we graduated could he give me a hug because I need to store them up (also, they feel amazing, warm and fuzzy and all that goodness) and because they make me feel safe. Apparently his optimism extends to seeing me outside of reunions because he was like, give me a break. Which is amazing and makes me a tinge hopeful and so grateful. But I looked at him and think, C’mon. I’m moving away, out of state, out of region, probably to Florida, which is so far away from you I’ll probably start seeing oranges instead of your melon whenever I think of you. And I’m nuts about this kid. But I know anything short of taking him with me isn’t going to be nearly as satisfactory as seeing him here all the time. And the truth hits me, and I think it might have gone through his head too—maybe this is it. Maybe all we have forever and always is reunions. And that sucks. And when I realized that, I turned and walked away. All the faces of my friends starting racing through my head. He was still talking to me but I had to call over my shoulder because I couldn’t look. It was too…much.

So there’s that. I took one of the last finals I’ll ever have to take ever again today. Finals in the past were usually ho hum, wham bam thank you ma’am. No nonsense, you just go in, do your thing, and pray for a good grade. But there was something quirky about today’s exam that will probably make it stick out forever in my mind. This huuuuuuge junebug flew in and would not go away, it was like the loudest buzz bomb ever freaking out two seats away from me, right above my head. So after a while (and a near strip search because my teacher is the most paranoid guy ever when it comes to finals), the little bastard flew off to haunt someone, else. It did make me laugh though, along with the rest of the class. It was a really amazing, memorable final. Yeah, but finals time, they should call it not-really-finals time for seniors. I know people who’ve gone out more this week than they ever have, so go figure. Honestly, none of us care. You won’t either when your time comes. We seniors are all about seizing moments, and studying does not fall under the heading of "Moment To Be Seized". I seize mine in slightly weirder ways, and maybe you will too. Long walks, writing in my journal for hours in the library. Oscillating moods ranging from Woo Hoo, Let’s Party! to Yeah, it’s Friday and I’m really not in the mood to do much of anything. It’s like, when it’s good, it’s great. When it’s bad, it’s awful. Like some schizophrenic relationship gone awry, or a Three Doors Down song. Those guys are always on the edge of losing control, whether they're ecstatic or miserable. They remind me of unhinged people on the verge. I’m working hard on trying to find a middle ground so that I can just exist peacefully. I hang out at my favorite places on campus a lot, Ipod in tow, trying to understand what’s wrong with the wiring in my melon. And so many people are just busy being happy all the time, doing fun things, and I’m like, Ok. I must be from another planet. Haha-the other day my friend was like, days are great, nights are fun, life is fantastic. In my mind I was like, Yeah, that’s great. So, today was excellent but then towards the evening I became so upset for this unknown reason and I almost tore my hair out. It's a confusing time, and an interesting one. Thank the Lordy I'm all about living interestingly.

Don’t get me wrong—there are a lot of highs, good things that I have stored up, too many to count and look forward to. Here are some highlights—like dancing with strangers to Guster on top of the parking lot and developing pictures of my family and friends in my lovely darkroom and drinking cosmopolitans with my friends and making up nicknames for people so that I have my own code in public so that I can talk about anyone and senior week next week and a whole Graduation weekend devoted to me and an amazing summer publishing program. There’s just a lot going on these days, and I’m stuck until I get some of it figured out, but at least I’m here and I still have time.